Sunday Night

Sunday night.

Eleven p.m. and it’s quiet. Relaxed. The hangovers are on their last legs, and the suits are hanging on their hooks, freshly pressed and ready for the week ahead.  The last signs of the parties have been cleaned and polished, and everybody returns to leading their civilized lives.

When your public life closely mirrors your private life, as mine does, Sunday nights are nothing special. There is no hangover to return from, there are no lazy partygoers to clean up after, there is nothing to return to. You’ve been there the whole time while everybody else was off getting wasted.

It was about this time of year that I first started journaling, I wrote that I was different. Painfully, unmistakably different. I didn’t know how, or why, I just knew that I wasn’t like everybody else.  

Well, two years later, of course I still don’t know the answer. But I’m getting closer every day.

I get the feeling that everybody else is pretending to be grown-up.  They wear grown-up clothes; from sexy lingerie to fashionable overcoats, and an interesting mix of everything in between. They sit around the bong and have grown-up conversations. Many of these are about their laid-back, almost animalistic attitudes towards sex. “Give it to me now, but don’t you dare attach any feeling to it, or I’ll drop you like hotcakes.”

And while every single person looks at me and thinks, “Aww, how adorable,” it comes to my attention that I’m the only adult in the room.

I have answers now. Why don’t I drink? I don’t like the feeling of being drunk. It makes my head swim and I feel dizzy, but it doesn’t squash my ability to think rationally, as far as my deep thoughts are concerned. I never once am able to forget my place. So what’s the point?

Why don’t I smoke? I don’t need fake happiness. If I give into it, it will make me think that my very real happiness isn’t enough. I know this will happen, that’s why I can’t try it even once. It’s true, I don’t know what I’m missing, and I don’t want to. Once I know, I won’t want to go without it.

Why don’t I have sex? Because it’s a big deal to me. I know it’s not a big deal to everyone, most people it seems, but it is a big deal to me. It’s true, I have a fear of intimacy, even of the non-sexual kind. If I were to have sex without first trusting my partner with every inch of my soul, it would break me. I know, because I’ve been broken before, and I don’t want to go through it again on an even larger scale.

So call me what you like. Naive. Innocent. Childish. Laugh at my awkwardness. Roll your eyes at my questions. Keep hiding your knowing smiles behind your drinks.

You’ll never know independence like I do. You’ll never know what it’s like to be free.

You’ll never recognize true love, even when it’s staring you in the face.

Virginity vs The World

A lot of people ask me why I want to remain a virgin, and while I know the exact answer to that question when I am writing or ranting to myself alone in my room, the instant I am standing in front of another person it never comes out the way I had planned

Here's the problem: I want to explain why I want to remain a virgin until marriage without coming across either as a hardcore Bible-Lover or as a cheesy airhead.  There are so many phrases that would explain it so concisely; e.g. "It's against my religion," "I want my first time to be with my husband," "I don't want to run the risk of contracting STD's, STI's, or pregnancy," or even, "I want to connect with someone on an emotional level instead of a physical level," but every single one of these phrases is laughed off as cheesy and unrealistic in the modern world.  It doesn't seem to matter what my reason is, it's always wrong.

It seems I need to come up with a deeply thought out and intelligent answer that includes none of the above to be accepted in any debate. When someone makes a statement like, "You should have sex before you get married so you can find out if he's any good," the first thing in my brain is, "If I've already decided I want to marry him and I've never had sex with him, it probably won't matter how he performs because I'll obviously love him for the hundreds of other things he is good at."

But of course, this is 2016.  No one will accept an answer like that.  Love is for elementary school crushes, not serious dating.  So I'm forced to stutter and answer the question in a roundabout, complicated way because I'm either afraid of stepping on someone's beliefs or being viewed as a prude.

But why? Why should I be afraid of stepping on someone's beliefs when they aren't afraid at all of telling me, as if it is a known fact, that "Sex isn't bad," or, "It's not a big deal once you do it?"

The reality of the situation is, if they are going to come at me with generalizations like that, I'm not going to hold back in telling them what I truly believe. Let the judgement commence.

The following is a list of questions and statements that have actually been directed at me, almost word-for-word, and the answers that I truly believe.

1. Are you a virgin?
• Yes. I am a virgin. And I am proud! (this is the answer I have actually given on several occasions.)
2. Why don't you want to have sex?
• Loud and proud, I'm religious.  Also: STD's, STI's, Pregnancy, Anxiety, waiting for marriage, wanting to connect emotionally before physically, I'm just straight up proud to be a virgin, and the list goes on. Take your pick.
3. What will you do if you get married and he's not very good?
• As previously answered, if I've already decided I want to marry him and I've never had sex with him, it probably won't matter how he performs because I'll obviously love him for the hundreds of other things he is good at.  
4. What about "other" stuff?
• This question cracks me up every time. Virgin literally means untouched, not touched-but-not-penetrated. If you can use the word "sexual" describe your activity, it counts as sex.
5. Oh, I'm not talking about sex.
• Oh, don't even start. Sex is exactly what you were talking about. Just because I can't contract a disease or have a baby from what we're doing doesn't make it okay, whether I'm coming from a religious or non-religious standpoint. Any rubbing of "parts" is not allowed.
6. Do you think you could be asexual?
• No. Trust me. No way. Just because I'm waiting to have sex does not mean I don't have sexual urges. I am just as attracted to that tanned, shirtless lifeguard as you are.
7. It's really not a big deal once you do it.
• I appreciate your opinion, and I respectfully disagree. There is nothing wrong with having a casual opinion about sex, however I am very passionate about my decision in not having sex, and I don't need to try it to find out whether or not it's a big deal to me.
8. Do you masturbate?
• I hate this question, because I'm going to be wrong any way I answer.  If I answer no, someone will tell me, "You should at least masturbate so you know what kinds of things you're into." If I answer yes, someone will tell me, "Masturbation is against the Bible, too," and proceed to try convincing me to lose my V-card.  In the end, I usually decline to answer, saying that I don't feel comfortable discussing the situation.
9. You'll find someone eventually.
• I know I will. I find it kind of funny that when people find out I don't want to have sex, they automatically assume that I've just given up.
10. Aw, you're so cute. I used to be naive, like you ...
• Wisely naive. Most statements along the lines of this are incredibly condescending.  Thank you for calling me cute, I take that as a compliment.  I have a cute, childlike personality.  I am happy living a very innocent life. However, I'm not ignorant. I do understand your sexual references. I know when a guy is hitting on me. I have lived just as many years. Whether or not I've had sex doesn't make me any less of a person than you.

No one should ever be ashamed to admit to their virginity if it's something they believe in. And if someone is going to treat you badly or make you think you are wrong for making this choice, you don't need to try to impress them for their friendship. You don't need this kind of negativity in your life.

I am 19 years old, I am a virgin, and I am proud.

Woes of a Hopeless Romantic

A hopeless romantic believes in fairytales and true love.  Hopeless romantics are the imaginative, the idealists, and the sentimental dreamers.  They often live with rose-colored glasses on.  They make love look like at art form.  They are in love with love.
             - Urban Dictionary (revised)

I would like to start off by saying that in our society today, I am doomed.  Not only am I innocent and naïve - lacking experience and knowledge about the truth of the world - I am also plagued by social anxiety, idealism, and to top it all off, I’m a raving hopeless romantic.

I fall hard and fast for any guy that I find fits into the shoes of any romantic comedy male lead ever.  As we slowly work towards becoming friends, I begin to daydream multiple scenarios, both good and bad, about the two of us as a couple, always following the guidelines laid out in most romance novels.  And, finally, just as I’m ready to throw away my shell and spill all of my feelings to said crush …

The screen of naïveté falls away and I find myself standing in the barren, desolate wasteland that is reality.  I realize that I thought this guy was romantic because this act is how he gets laid.  I find out that he pursues nothing in a girl past her physical aspects.  I understand that “relationships” in this society are by my definition a dying practice.

I back away.

As this cycle repeats itself over and over again, I lose more and more hope that I will actually have my first boyfriend before the age of twenty-five.  Hence the term “Hopeless Romantic.”

I think too many people in the world settle for meaningless relationships in order to fill their subconscious desire for love.  In this society, we are so afraid to put ourselves out there because of negative labels such as “nerd, geek, weird, strange, annoying, clingy” etc.  So we connect over instant messaging.  We bond over pictures that disappear in seven seconds.  Instead of a date, we say, “wanna hang out?” which is really just code for, “wanna hook up?”  We remain in label-free “relationships” that end the moment we know each other well enough to let love sneak in.

Often, my problems with modern dating are labeled as a fear of intimacy, all to do with my religion, exaggerated expectations, and even asexuality.  I like to call it existing in life as it is and seeing it for what it could be. 

All I ask for in a relationship is love.   And that doesn’t necessarily mean opening doors for me or buying me presents on my birthday.  It means that I can knock on your door after a long hard day and you won’t be too busy to give me a hug.  It means that I can spend hours with you just talking and laughing.  It means that small things in your everyday life remind you of me.  It means that I can tell people you're my boyfriend.  And it means that I am also all of these things for you.

I guess I live in the wrong time.

But the greatest thing about being a hopeless romantic is that we are not alone.  The world “hope” is in our name and we never fail to live up to it.  Eventually, we will meet someone who understands us.  And when we do, it will have been worth the countless mistakes and frustrating patience. 

The hardest part is never knowing when that person will show up.  Let the waiting commence!

Living With Fairytale Syndrome

It doesn’t matter what you look like or how tall you are.  It’ll be okay if the person of your dreams is your total opposite.  Your own personal prince charming will respect all of your values and will not push you to go any faster or further than you are willing to go.  True love will overcome all obstacles.

These are normal, everyday thoughts for a sufferer of Fairy Tale Syndrome.  If you believe you may be afflicted, brace yourself, for I’m about to expose the truth. 

Not everyone thinks this way.

Now, take a deep breath and let’s continue.  Fairytale Syndrome is described (by Urban Dictionary Definition #2) as 

The belief that it’s possible to have the perfect relationship with a partner.  A relationship that’s equal to the hopelessly romantic ones seen in movies.  A relationship that will remain forever innocent.

I am a sufferer of Fairytale Syndrome.  It is very common in naïve young women.  It’s a beautiful way of life until you inevitably realize that you’re living a lie.  Then you suddenly begin to find yourself spending hours staring at a wall in the grips of an emotional crisis and pouring over inspirational quotes in an effort to keep from having a panic attack.

This is the story of my battle with Fairytale Syndrome.  For as along as I can remember, I have been very shy.  Because I lacked the natural talent of communication, I was forced to teach myself the ways of the world through books and movies.  There were many positive effects, as through my studies I found out how to behave in a way that would make people like me.  I slowly opened up and even considered myself somewhat outgoing by the end of my senior year in high school.  I had thought I had it all figured out.

But I was living in the glass box of deceitful hopeless romanticism.  When I entered college, the glass was shattered, and I was left exposed in a world of sadness and corruption.  A world where there were no relationships as I had thought of them, where innocence was a bad trait, and love didn’t exist.  A world that was the polar opposite of the world I had worked so hard to earn my place in.

The worst part of Fairytale Syndrome is the knowledge that this is only the beginning and you can never go back.

But you can go forward.  Once you are no longer blinded by the Syndrome, you can choose your own path.  Now you now that there is sadness, but there is also happiness.  Evil does exist, but so does goodness.  Hate is strong, but love is ten times as powerful. 

Finally, you get to be the author of your very own fairytale.

As with any good fairytale, you will have to overcome obstacles.  There will be evil witches and fire-breathing dragons along the way.  Wolves disguised as charming princes may try to deceive you.  You will constantly question your decision to live such a life.  But when you finally set down the pen and close the back cover, you will be able to look back on the best story of them all.  A true story.

The Dream of Happiness

About a year and a half ago, amidst a storm of teenage hormones and high stress levels courtesy of the college application process, I asked a person who was very important to me if they were happy.

I didn't get a straight answer, but instead something that threw me just a bit.  This very important person immediately said to me, "I don't like that word.  This table is happy, this piece of chicken is happy.  It doesn't mean anything."

I don't remember every part of the conversation, but that bit stood out to me.  I don't recall this person going on to say anything about enjoying or being content with their life.  Just that they never use the word "happy."

"Happy" is the most important word in my world.  It is a word that has become synonymous with my name to my friends and family.  It is the single word that defines my life's aspirations.  "Happy" is me.  I am happy.

The moment the words, "It doesn't mean anything," were uttered by this very important person, my world froze for a moment.  My heart cried out to this person across the table.  I was being told that true happiness doesn't exist.  Dreams don't come true.  Life sucks.

Never in my life have I felt more distant from another human being.

I believe in happiness.  Dreams do come, love is found all around us, and life is beautiful. All one must to do see it is believe.  Believe with all your heart, mind, and soul, and anything can happen.

Perhaps I am just a naive young girl who really knows nothing of the world.  Maybe I'm following a hopeless dream that will never see the light of day.  I might be truly insane.  I could be a lot of things, but none of that matters because I believe and I am happy.

My dream, above all else, is to share happiness with the world.  I want others to believe in the beautiful world I see.  I want to share the universe I live in.  This is my dream for everyone.